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June 01, 2019 8 min read

Postpartum Depression |Poporodna Depresija Hey lovelies! Today I'm opening a topic about How To Overcome Anxiey - Kako premagati Anksioznost - that may not be as popular but it needs to be discussed. When I got pregnant I was really happy and calm, but there was one worry in the back of my mind..What If I am one of those moms that get PPD . There was a reason why my fear felt justified...Some of you may know that I have dealt with anxiety and depression two years ago..So let me start from the beginning. I didn't know what I was dealing with when it first hit me as nobody in our family had issues with it (well at least they weren't speaking about it so I wouldn't know). First reaction most people have is "I can't breathe, I'm dying.." and same was for me which has triggered another deep fear of mine and then I just went in this crazy never ending cycle. I had many triggers and fears that I guess were pilling on for years. And as I had the best year of my life in 2016 (we bought a home in London and getting engaged in Mexico) the worst year was following. It was February, just few days before my b-day. I was lost for a few months dealing with pain and just not having any reason to be happy or get out of bed. And that got me more scared as I was thinking...I can't live like this, this is torture, what will happen to my relationship with Matej. I knew he loved me unconditionally but...there was this fear of losing him. I remember our Valentines. He took me to a romantic dinner and I started shaking. The words were coming out of his mouth but I couldn't hear what he was saying, I was shaking, I wanted to throw up. In the middle of the meal and a full wine bottle still standing on the table I said "please take me home I can't take it anymore, I can't concentrate, I think I'm gonna be sick". Poor Matej he paid an expensive bill for dinner we barely touched and took his fiancé home. He was always so understanding. But first time in our relationship I felt he wanted to understand but he couldn't. How could he, he has never dealt with it before. Anxiety is tricky, someone else can't see you're in pain, they can't see that you are ill as you would with some other illnesses. To him I looked "fine" as my days were just lying on couch and sleeping. He couldn't see what was happening inside. Sleep got me better as my brain would shut down so I was off to sleep at 5pm and praying that I don't get anther panic attack. At that point it felt like nothing helped and I thought something was wrong with me - so I went to see all the doctors, did the tests and the results were saying that I am 100% healthy...physically..and then I realised. It is not a physical condition it's a mental one. I am suffering from Anxiety and depression. Thankfully I am a problem solver and I always want to find the fastest way for a solution. May it be personal life, may it be work..I want to get things done. HOW I GOT OVER ANXIETY & DEPRESSION:
  • I read a book on CBT (Cognitive Behaviour that therapists use to heal Anxiety), it helped me catch a bad thought before it got to me and dragged me down
  • Did a lot of walks (even when I felt I don't want to get out of bed). Sports also help and meditation too
  • Cut out people out of my life that weren't good for me, weren't there or made me feel bad in any kind of way. So I surrounded myself with loving supportive friends/fam <3
  • Watched only happy tv shows,
  • Kept my mind busy - worked a lot
  • I had 10h of therapy but by the time I did I was already doing so much better
  • At the end I have realised that If I can make myself feel anxious I can also make myself better. And I did..slowly I have beaten anxiety
The last attack was in Dominican Republic that same year where we went to enjoy ourselves and we did... most of the time. The pictures looked perfect, I looked happy on instagram but..I was hurting. Ended up on the floor of the hotel bathroom, shaking and gasping for air. And I knew this had to end. So there you see why I was afraid to be one of the newly mommies to get PPD. Even though I didn't at the end I can relate to the moms that do and maybe some of my tools how to beat it actually help some of them. And when I got pregnant last year I said to myself that I want to be a calm, happy preggo, a healthy and a happy mom to my baby therefore I wouldn't not allow this to happen. I have beaten anxiety before and I know the tools for it so f*you Anxiety, I won. There are so many new moms that get so stressed before becoming a mom: "will I be a good mom", "will I be able to breastfeed.." etc.and that is one of the triggers for PPD - stress. So I said to myself that even If I wouldn't be able to breastfeed (which in the end I could), even when I'd find being a mom tiering and hard I would take it easy on myself as a child needs a happy, healthy, loving parents. I admit in the past, I was one of the people that thought "Anxiety? Why can't they just get better, I don't get it..". Now I get it, I have so much empathy for people suffering with any kind of depression, anxiety or mental illness. It wasn't easy to open up like this but if my post helps at least one person than my job is done. Sending hugs <3
Facetune_01-06-2019-09-09-07 Pozdravljene drage moje! Danes odpiram temo, ki morda ni tako priljubljena, vendar je pomembno, da o njej spregovorimo. Ko sem zanosila, sem bila presrečna in mirna, toda nekje v ozadju me je pestila ena skrb. Kaj pa če bom ena od tistih mamic, ki se bo borila s PPD (poporodno depresijo)? Imela sem upravičen razlog za skrb, saj sem se dve leti nazaj borila z anksioznostjo ter depresijo. Ob prvem paničnem napadu nisem vedela kaj me je doletelo, saj nihče v naši družini ni bil anksiozen ali depresiven (no, ne da bi jaz vedela). Reakcija, katero imajo ljudje ob prvem napadu je "Ne morem dihati, umiram..." in tako je bilo pri meni. Kar pa je postal novi sprožilec za enega mojih večjih strahov in padla sem v začaran krog. Izgleda so se skozi leta v meni kopičili strahovi in počilo je. Kot je bilo konec leta 2016 eno mojih najlepših obdobij (z Matejem sva kupila dom v Londonu, se zaročila v Mehiki, planirala poroko..), tako je bil začetek naslednjega leta pravi pekel. Bil je februar, ravno par dni pred mojim rojstnim dnem, ko sem doživela prvi napad. Par mesecev sem bila izgubljena in se borila z bolečino. Nisem videla razloga za biti srečna ali vstati iz postelje. In to me je ustrašilo - "pa ja ne bom tako živela, to je mučenje, kaj se bo zgodilo z mano in Matejem...". Vedela sem, da me brezpogojno ljubi, vendar sem se vseeno bala, da ga bom izgubila. Spomnim se tistega Valentinovega. Matej me je peljal na romantično večerjo. Medtem ko je govoril, jaz nisem slišala niti besede. Tresla sem se, želodec se mi je obračal, mislila sem da bom bruhala. Sredi obroka na mizi še polna buteljka vina a jaz nisem mogla več: "Prosim pelji me domov, ne morem več, ne morem se skoncentrirati, slabo mi je". Moj bogi Matej je plačal drago večerjo, katere se niti dotaknila nisva in odpeljal svojo zaročenko domov. Vedno je bil tako razumevajoč, vendar se mi je zdelo, da me prvič odkar sva skupaj, ne more razumeti. Anksioznost in depresija nista kot nekatere bolezni kjer vidiš kakršnekoli telesne znake... Človek izgleda fizično dokaj "zdravo" tako, da se ne vidi bolečina skozi katero gre. Njemu sem delovala "ok", saj poleg ležanja na kavču in spanja ni mogel videti kaj se dogaja v meni. Spanec je bil moj najboljši prijatelj, takrat so se možgani ustavili in bolečina je odšla. Tako sem znala iti v posteljo že ob 5h popoldan v upanju, da se izognem naslednjemu napadu. V moji glavi je bil strah, da sem zbolela, da nekaj ni vredu z mano zdravstveno. Zato sem obiskala vse možne zdravnike (pa po naravi nisem človek, ki bi šel k zdravniku za vsako stvar) in naredila vse preiskave. Rezultat? Zdrava kot riba. Takrat sem ugotovila, da z menoj ni nič narobe fizično ampak psihično. Diagnoza: anksioznost in depresija. Hvala Bogu sem človek, ki takoj išče rešitve. KAKO SEM PREMAGALA ANKSIOZNOST & DEPRESIJO:
  • Prebrala sem si knjigo o CBT tehniki katero uporabljajo terapevti pri zdravljenju anksioznosti/depresije. Tako sem znala "ujeti" tisto slabo misel, katera me je ponavadi potegnila navzdol
  • Veliko dolgih sprehodov (tudi, ko se mi ni ljubilo vstat). Sprehodi, šport ali meditacija izjemno pomagajo
  • Odstranila ljudi, kateri mi niso bili v podporo in kateri mi niso pasali energetsko. Ob sebi sem imela le Mateja, prijatelje in družino, kateri so mi dajali brezpogojno podporo in ljubezen
  • Gledala sem le zabavne oddaje (prenehala z gledanjem novic, dram, grozljivk)
  • Bila sem izjemno zaposlena (tako moj um ni imel časa razmišljati o bedarijah)
  • 10 terapij s terapevtko (sicer mi je bilo že pred terapijo bolje)
  • Dojela sem, da sem jaz tista, ki povzroči anksiozno stanje in da sem lahko tudi jaz tista, ki se pozdravi. In sem se. Premagala sem jo! Zadnji napad sem doživela v Dominikani, kamor sva šla uživat na dopust. In ja, večino časa sva uživala. Slike na Instagramu so izgledale "popolno" in jaz videti srečna, v resnici pa ni bilo vse tako. Tam sem namreč doživela eno od hujših panik, sredi noči sem pristala na tleh kopalnice hotela in lovila sapo. Takrat sem si rekla, da se to mora končati. Upam, da po tem povzetku vidite zakaj sem sem se bala, da bi dobila PPD. Čeprav je na koncu nisem imela se poistovetim z mamicami, katere se borijo z njo in upam, da jim kater od mojih "orodij" pripomore na kakrenkoli način. Ampak potem sem si rekla, da si želim biti mirna, srečna nosečka in predvsem zdrava in srečna mamica. Enkrat sem že premagala anksioznost in imam orodje ter znanje kako jo premagati, tako da j*** se, zmagala sem. Veliko mamic je v stresu in skrbeh ali bodo dobre mame, ali bodo lahko dojile itd. In to je sigurno eden od sprožilcev - skrb. Rekla sem si tudi, da če ne bi mogla dojiti, ko postane vse prenaporno, se ne bom sekirala saj otrok potrebuje le zdrava in srečna starša. Priznam, da v preteklosti nisem razumela ljudi, kateri so imeli mentalne probleme. "Ah kakšna anksioznost, naj se zbrcajo" sem si mislila. No zdaj razumem in imam veliko empatije do teh ljudi. Ni se lahko tako odpreti in govoriti o tako osebnih zadevah, vendar če s tem pomagam le eni osebi, je moj cilj dosežen.
 

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